I mentioned that I had started this thing to my girlfriend. She mentioned it to some of our friends over dinner. And naturally, they asked me about it.

And naturally, my face explored some of the deeper versions of red.

I'm perfectly content offering up my letters and words to the nebulously anonymous "Internet." I'm not so content offering them up to my friends and family. The idea of people I actually know reading this thing scares the willys out of me. The idea of them actually talking to me about something I wrote keeps me up at nights. Like... right now.

Part of it is just not having an easy way to explain why it is I'm doing this. It's not like I can look at someone across the table from me and say, "I'm doing it because I feel a need to write and a desire to express my ideas for others to see." Not while keeping a straight face and a normal hue, at any rate. But that's just part of it. Even if I had a nice quick (sane) reason I could rattle off, the thought of someone I know reading this is still... awkward. It makes me feel like I need to censor myself, not because what I'm saying is 'secret' but because it might be a little too relevant if the reader was also the subject.

So why am I writing this? Why am I pushing my journal from simple privacy out into complex publicity?

. . .

I think it's because it's hard to write without an audience. Even if it's nothing more than the potential for audience. There's some level of work involved with any sort of writing and a touch of artistic pride always gets woven into it. I don't think anyone can sit at a keyboard and write and think, and write and think some more, and then not want to share the end results. It's too much work for it to be wasted by going unread, and so I want the potential for audience as a carrot to keep me at it. And it's something I really do want to keep at -- writing down my thoughts not only preserves them against being lost to my Memento-ish memory, it forces me to clarify and support them.

So I like to write because it helps me think, and I like to have an audience because it keeps me writing. Nice, quick, and hopefully sane sounding reason. Except I don't really want an audience, especially if it's going to consist of people I know.

Maybe they'll forget all about this thing, and I can plod on with my comforting 'local' anonymity. Or maybe I'll have a 'real' audience and will just have to use a touch of caution.

Or maybe I'll just stop.